Little Megan Big World

The Roloff family are the stars of Little People Big World on TLC. Mom, Dad and one of the children are little people, and the other three children are average sized. They're always having to adjust to the average world in ways that I understand, though at 4'11'' I am not technically considered a dwarf.

I had to have an ergonomic evaluation because my chair wasn't high enough or my desk wasn't low enough, and this cheap-ass plastic footstool sucks. I'm never comfortable at work. I'm either sitting with one leg up on the chair, or both feet on the computer console, ankles crossed. Half of my butt falls asleep, or my bent knee begins to hurt. When I stand up from the chair I stagger like an arthritic, elderly person, which totally foils my effort to be a young and hip member of my tech-team.

I finally asked for a different chair or a different footstool or both. Though I'd prefer a soft, velvety, wingback chair and an ottoman, I'm sure that setup would promote napping more than efficiency.

The chair I have been using is made of a grey-black, scratchy fabric, with tech-looking design details on the plastic back. The back doesn't move at all, because the tension is so high, my weight doesn't budge it. So I constantly feel pushed forward, out of the seat. I can adjust the height to make it more comfortable with the stationary desk area, but only days later the seat has mysteriously sunk back down to its lowest height. Though I worry about my weight, I'm fairly sure that's not the cause of the sinking seat.

Anyway - these two HR Ladies came down to my windowless basement cube to look at my footrest and told me that was the only type we have here. I had it backwards, though, which they say may have been why it doesn't seem comfortable. As for the chair, most of the chairs here are broken, stained, bent or otherwise ruined, and the company does not deem this an important expense. None of the chairs in this area would work, so the HR ladies brought me a chair from somewhere else in the building - the secret stockpile of working chairs.

Exchanging my bad chair for the good chair was not so simple. The good chair had bad, wobbly armrests attached to it that would not adjust up or down. The HR ladies struggled to unbolt the armrests with wrenches, delicately attempting to avoid breaking a painted nail. The bolts required a different wrench, which Rodney, an average-Samoan-sized colleague retrieved from his truck. He was able to help them disconnect the armrests so that I could sit in my ergonomically adjustable chair and work.

These people were in my cube for about 20 minutes, but it seemed like an hour. This is not the type of attention I want. One of the HR Ladies seemed quite pleasant in that HR way. She's clearly nice to everyone, at least to their face. The other one barely looked at me, and I began to suspect she resented me for making her crawl around on the floor with a tool. The nice HR Lady just smiled passively and mumbled something about this being "the law" when I thanked her profusely for the great effort they were making to help me. That did not convince me of her innate pleasantness, and in fact made her smile seem more false.

I've never been self-conscious about my height - my stature. Weight - yes. Height - no. Today I'm feeling like an ugly, older dwarf who's just now realized I'm different and small. Really - I never think of myself as short, unless I'm looking at someone who's my height. Then, when I realize I'm as short as that person, I see myself as small.

The chair issue makes me feel small, and not in an interesting or attractive or cute way. Just small.

Day 3

On the third day of the new year my new love gave to me...

AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! I've been brainwashed!

After months of listening to holiday muzak I can't get it out of my head. Yesterday - chestnuts, today - partridges. I'm so glad the holidaze are over. I feel like I'm still recovering from too many gatherings and too much group activity.

And after all that I'm STILL not convinced to convert to Christianity. Hmmm.
ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

Enough about religion.
It's the new year. I need a new attitude, a new outlook, a renewed level of energy with which to pursue life.

Can I buy that on Ebay?
None of the really really important stuff is available on Ebay.
Sure, I can get diet pills, diamond rings, Beanie Babies, Doc Martens and even a time-share.

Spiritual fulfillment
Physical wellness
Motivation for excellence
Creative exuberance
None of this is available for purchase on the site that has IT all.

There should be a kit available for each of these things.
I suppose a church membership, a Bowflex, a life-coach and knitting needles might work for some people.

I think I must mine my own resources for contentment, joy, serenity, productivity, fulfillment, etc.

Today my tank is running low, which gives me that repeated inner mantra of "I WANT, I WANT, I WANT..." in an effort to fill up on something that will soothe.

Perhaps I just need more sleep.

OR A SHOPPING EXCURSION!

(No!)

Or some quiet time after all of the holiday chaos.

That could be IT. Yet another thing unavailable on Ebay.

Another New Year

New Year

New possibilities?

I dunno. Is there really any more possibility today than there was a couple of days ago? I'd like to believe that each moment is truly new and separate from the many previous moments of my life, and that any influence they may have is imaginary. I'd like to believe that in this new moment, which is separate from the last one, I can generate some new existence which may be more acceptable and enjoyable than many of my accumulated past moments were.

I think the past moments somehow form threads that singly have little strength, but become unbreakable when wound around me over and over again. Tiny filaments twist and tangle, crocheted into nets. These knotted webs entrap, sometimes strengthening as one struggles to break free.

The entrapment is imaginary, as are the long ago moments. There is no substance to these ties, no collectible evidence. Why then can I not escape the past completely and move beyond the limitations I continue to construct? All life is a trap ending in death. What you do before leaving behind this Earth depends on the weight of the imaginary webs in one's life, perhaps.

Of what are these filaments made?
Memories
Regrets
Wishes
Drowned dreams
Unrequited love
Failings
Lackings
Inadequacies
Perception
Self-esteem
Self-loathing
Unanswered questions
Unsolved mysteries
Introspection

all this and more.
Tune in next time when we explore the pointlessness of philosophical psycho-rambling - next episode: The ROI of Taking Action.