I had a happy childhood. Didn't I?
I had food and clothing and shelter and love.
I had a brother, a mother, a father and a dog.
I had hamsters and hermit crabs and fish now and then.
I was allergic to the cat so it was sent away.
We collected frogs.
We listened to Elvis.
We slid down the stairs on a pillow.
We pretended to be adults.
We swam in the ocean.
We played in the snow.
We fought over bubble wrap.
We took car trips in the yellow station wagon with "wood" siding. We fought and played in the back seat. My parents put the back seats down, so that we had a flat area to lay on, stretched out, to nap or read.
There were no restricting, binding car seats then. Or maybe there were. Parents were just not as concerned about children's safety.
No helmets, no child-car-seats, no baby monitors.
We lived through it anyway.
A lot of us.
Enough of us.
Maybe subconsciously I believed my parents were trying to kill me and that scarred my soul.
I doubt it.
Maybe my mother's chain smoking affected me as a fetus, and the withdrawal symptoms, followed by constant second hand smoke, caused my brain and CNS to develop into the system of an addict, which I am.
Maybe she has nothing to do with it.
I doubt it.
Chain-smokers should teach their infants to smoke so that the poor creatures won't go through withdrawal!
Ok, not really.
I've considered chain smoking through pregnancy - I mean, if I were pregnant - so that the baby would be really small and not hurt as much during delivery.
I also think that if I am still fertile, I should be able to have babies and sell them on Ebay.
Right now the only limitation is a lack of sperm.
Plus, after nine months I might develop some affection for the parasite creature inside me and not want to sell it after all. And there I'd be, with no alternate financial plan, trying to support a child.
Ugh. Life.
Is bigger.
Bigger than you and you are not me.... la, la, la, la, la, la--------------
I had a happy childhood until I started therapy and realized how much angst I had collected about which to complain.
I had a happy childhood until I was encouraged to be angry about my parents' imperfections.
I had a happy childhood until it ended and I had to go out into the world unprepared.
At that point, in spite of all the schooling and therapy and achievements, I regretted leaving my happy childhood behind.
25 October 2006
13 October 2006
Triskadekaphobic Dreams
I dreamt I had inherited pet monkey-creatures. They resembled ferrets, but with long arms and legs. Really, they were like those stuffed animal monkeys with velcro on the hands and feet that can hang around your neck. They had long claws so that I had to be very still in order to let them climb on me. Otherwise they'd get nervous and cause scratches.
I dreamt also that I was with my Aunt Phyllis and my brother, Dan, and we stopped by Cedar Springs. My father was there as well. My brother was in some sort of depression and after chatting with my father, decided to stay at Cedar Springs for a while. In the dream he was a teenageer, not an adult. He talked for a long time with Rodney, an artist friend. Rodney, in the dream, was some sort of therapist. I knew that he could help my brother while Dan was in the psych hospital. The check-in process took a long, long time. Phyllis was annoyed and restless. I went down to the library on the hospital campus and looked at CD's. I talked to someone about a particular Jazz artist, and how Jazz had sort of fallen out of fashion recently. After long time I went to speak with Rodney about my brother. He was very sensitive and reassuring about the situation and my brother's mental health. That was comforting. Because Phyllis was so annoyed, but only expressing that non-verbally, which was just making me angry, I told her to go ahead and leave. I assumed she wanted to go shopping or to a movie and was irritated that we'd wasted all day waiting around for my brother. She left. I knew I could get a ride from Rodney or someone else at the hospital.
In another dream last night I was in the military, as was Heidi. We had gotten in trouble for drug possession and were just waiting for them to process the evidence for drug residue. We didn't want to go to prison or ComCor, so we snuck into the investigation lab, stole the evidence and threw the containers into the incinerator outside the lab. We were seen by officers. We ran to our Subaru Outback and tried to get away. The tv inside the car was playing my friend Ruth's comedy hour. We came upon a very steep, icy hill and could not get all the way up it because the car didn't have 4-wheel drive. We slid back down, got out and tried to run. Heidi was caught, but I got away. They arrested her and she again awaited prosecution and punishment. 5 years in prison.... I felt so guilty that I returned to the base and turned myself in. Heidi, by that time, was living with another woman, her new best friend, a pretty, petite Latina woman, with a convincing, loathing glare. I tried to apologize and they let me stay in the room with them, but neither one was friendly. During this part of the dream we made t-shirts with hand-painted tattoo designs on them.
That's all I remember.
My vivid dreams are far more intriguing sometimes than real life.
I dreamt also that I was with my Aunt Phyllis and my brother, Dan, and we stopped by Cedar Springs. My father was there as well. My brother was in some sort of depression and after chatting with my father, decided to stay at Cedar Springs for a while. In the dream he was a teenageer, not an adult. He talked for a long time with Rodney, an artist friend. Rodney, in the dream, was some sort of therapist. I knew that he could help my brother while Dan was in the psych hospital. The check-in process took a long, long time. Phyllis was annoyed and restless. I went down to the library on the hospital campus and looked at CD's. I talked to someone about a particular Jazz artist, and how Jazz had sort of fallen out of fashion recently. After long time I went to speak with Rodney about my brother. He was very sensitive and reassuring about the situation and my brother's mental health. That was comforting. Because Phyllis was so annoyed, but only expressing that non-verbally, which was just making me angry, I told her to go ahead and leave. I assumed she wanted to go shopping or to a movie and was irritated that we'd wasted all day waiting around for my brother. She left. I knew I could get a ride from Rodney or someone else at the hospital.
In another dream last night I was in the military, as was Heidi. We had gotten in trouble for drug possession and were just waiting for them to process the evidence for drug residue. We didn't want to go to prison or ComCor, so we snuck into the investigation lab, stole the evidence and threw the containers into the incinerator outside the lab. We were seen by officers. We ran to our Subaru Outback and tried to get away. The tv inside the car was playing my friend Ruth's comedy hour. We came upon a very steep, icy hill and could not get all the way up it because the car didn't have 4-wheel drive. We slid back down, got out and tried to run. Heidi was caught, but I got away. They arrested her and she again awaited prosecution and punishment. 5 years in prison.... I felt so guilty that I returned to the base and turned myself in. Heidi, by that time, was living with another woman, her new best friend, a pretty, petite Latina woman, with a convincing, loathing glare. I tried to apologize and they let me stay in the room with them, but neither one was friendly. During this part of the dream we made t-shirts with hand-painted tattoo designs on them.
That's all I remember.
My vivid dreams are far more intriguing sometimes than real life.
11 October 2006
Evolution
Do not discuss evolution at work.
Do not discuss evolution at work.
Do not discuss evolution at work.
Do not discuss evolution with a religious fanatic.
I think he has Aspberger's syndrome. He's a complete nut about history and languages - knows a ridiculous and impressive amount of American Presidential trivia. Plus he has that odd inability to judge when his peers are kidding.
But that's besides the point.
My chest begins to feel tight as I realize that this person who is so well-read in other areas, has read all the pro-Creationism and Intelligent Design crap and does not believe in Evolution. We start to bicker about it and his arguments have no form, no logic. AND HE SMILES.
What angers me about this topic?
Maybe it's that I live in a city full of religious fundamentalists who believe that every word of the Bible is true because God wrote the Bible and said, in the Bible, that the Bible is true. I'm sick of hearing stupid, baseless arguments about the value of religious theory in education. This trend is all about enforcing mindlessness so that the masses will follow those who simply say they're right based on the Biblical theories used to brainwash the masses.
The most unfortunate part of all this is the level of complicity by us - the masses. Our culture is more and more focused on superficial, external aquisition and accomplishments. We value beauty, fashion, wealth, possession and participation in the currently agreed-upon cultural norms. Education is WAY down on the list.
That's great, because the less educated the masses are, the less they will involve themselves in government and politics. The more we'll all be sheep, herded along cultural pathways regardless of consequence. The people retaining power in all this will remain in power, as they planned. The gap between rich and poor will continue to widen.
Do not discuss politics and religion at work.
Do not discuss politics and religion at work.
Do not discuss politics and religion at work.
But if someone doesn't speak out, what will become of us?
Do not discuss evolution at work.
Do not discuss evolution at work.
Do not discuss evolution with a religious fanatic.
I think he has Aspberger's syndrome. He's a complete nut about history and languages - knows a ridiculous and impressive amount of American Presidential trivia. Plus he has that odd inability to judge when his peers are kidding.
But that's besides the point.
My chest begins to feel tight as I realize that this person who is so well-read in other areas, has read all the pro-Creationism and Intelligent Design crap and does not believe in Evolution. We start to bicker about it and his arguments have no form, no logic. AND HE SMILES.
What angers me about this topic?
Maybe it's that I live in a city full of religious fundamentalists who believe that every word of the Bible is true because God wrote the Bible and said, in the Bible, that the Bible is true. I'm sick of hearing stupid, baseless arguments about the value of religious theory in education. This trend is all about enforcing mindlessness so that the masses will follow those who simply say they're right based on the Biblical theories used to brainwash the masses.
The most unfortunate part of all this is the level of complicity by us - the masses. Our culture is more and more focused on superficial, external aquisition and accomplishments. We value beauty, fashion, wealth, possession and participation in the currently agreed-upon cultural norms. Education is WAY down on the list.
That's great, because the less educated the masses are, the less they will involve themselves in government and politics. The more we'll all be sheep, herded along cultural pathways regardless of consequence. The people retaining power in all this will remain in power, as they planned. The gap between rich and poor will continue to widen.
Do not discuss politics and religion at work.
Do not discuss politics and religion at work.
Do not discuss politics and religion at work.
But if someone doesn't speak out, what will become of us?
10 October 2006
Mean People
People are just mean.
Just plain mean.
They're mean for no reason.
They're mean because they're frustrated with a situation beyond their control, beyond my control.
They're mean because I can't help them the second that they call.
They're mean because they're powerless in a world of difficulty and chaos.
They're mean because they're bored.
They're mean because they're unfulfilled.
They're mean because they're doing a job they dislike.
They're mean because mom and dad were mean.
They're mean because the Xanax doesn't work anymore.
They're mean because they've had to quit Xanax and join a stupid-ass 12-step group.
They're mean because they wanna be the boss of the world, and the world doesn't work that way.
They're mean because of global warming.
They're mean because the Republicans are in office.
They're mean because the Republicans in office are perpetuating global warming.
They're mean because it's raining.
They're mean because it's too hot.
They're mean because they're just plain mean.
You know what I mean?
Just plain mean.
They're mean for no reason.
They're mean because they're frustrated with a situation beyond their control, beyond my control.
They're mean because I can't help them the second that they call.
They're mean because they're powerless in a world of difficulty and chaos.
They're mean because they're bored.
They're mean because they're unfulfilled.
They're mean because they're doing a job they dislike.
They're mean because mom and dad were mean.
They're mean because the Xanax doesn't work anymore.
They're mean because they've had to quit Xanax and join a stupid-ass 12-step group.
They're mean because they wanna be the boss of the world, and the world doesn't work that way.
They're mean because of global warming.
They're mean because the Republicans are in office.
They're mean because the Republicans in office are perpetuating global warming.
They're mean because it's raining.
They're mean because it's too hot.
They're mean because they're just plain mean.
You know what I mean?
04 October 2006
Lies
Finding lies
left lying
around found
behind corners
on ledges
allegedly unexpected
but truly no surprise
Compartmentalize
Hide beneath piles
Slip through the cracks
Ration the truth
Leave bits and pieces
Hoarding perception
Creating deception
Driving wedges
Between us
And "could have been".
Evasion
Elusion
Illusion
Lies
left lying
around found
behind corners
on ledges
allegedly unexpected
but truly no surprise
Compartmentalize
Hide beneath piles
Slip through the cracks
Ration the truth
Leave bits and pieces
Hoarding perception
Creating deception
Driving wedges
Between us
And "could have been".
Evasion
Elusion
Illusion
Lies
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